A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
We're too hungover to prance.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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