Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
