There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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