Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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