Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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