What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
