one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
