you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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