youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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