I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
