just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
