Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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