she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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