every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
