She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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