I'm really into asian looking animals
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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