watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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