I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i would one night stand the shit outta him
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
