I heard we made out
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize