im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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