My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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