i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
