I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
