How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
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