Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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