I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
