somebody snuck up and got me drunk
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
