Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
false alarm. still invincible.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
