Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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