Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
