I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
