I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
