Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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