If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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