I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
