Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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