The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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