I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
