Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
