I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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