i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
operation harelip BJ is a go
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
