we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
