Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
