My liver just broke up with me...
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
she smelled like a LAN party
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
