I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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