Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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