i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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