I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
