I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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