Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
