how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
