i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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