that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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