Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
