I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I wish my penis had an off switch
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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