The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
