wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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