Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
