Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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