he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
