I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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