Will you blow on my dice?
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize