i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
