I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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